Mari's [Paranoid] Metro Guide

Recently while describing my personal metro habits to a friend I noticed that her face was becoming more and more skeptical.  It seemed that my thoughts and practices about taking the metro sounded more and more paranoid as they exited my head.  So, whether or not I am crazy (crazy people don't know they are crazy after all) I have written a little metro guide [for the paranoid]:

1.  First and foremost, body language.  This is essential and multi-faceted.  There is, what we like to call, the "metro face."  Look completely neutral at all times.  Sad even.  Cranky maybe.  Whatever you do, do not smile.  Then, if necessary, cross your arms, look uninviting.  Stand in a way that says, "I am confident, and I don't want to talk to you."

2.  Dress not-outlandishly.  Bright ponchos make some people think that it is ok to say "Good evening" in spite of your best bitch metro face.  Wear what you want, but actually wear black (if you want to blend into the masses).  And no fish nets.

3.  Avoid eye-contact.  They are looking.  You are looking.  You know they are looking; they know you are looking.  But no one is looking, right?

4.  Listen to music!  Or at least put your headphones on.

4b.  Don't dance.  If you ever absolutely feel the need to break it down to your music, a small foot tap is acceptable.

5.  If you feel uncomfortable and you reach your stop, you can wait until the buzzer sounds and run off the train just as the doors close behind you to avoid being followed (by this time you can imagine my friend's face in reaction to my metro tactics...).

Alright, I am joking.  Half-joking.  I'll concede, I smile sometimes on the metro, tap my foot...I even wear a poncho fairly often (read: every day).  I'm just saying, if you want to avoid contact on the metro, my [paranoid] guide works pretty damn well.